题主需要讲清楚是申请高中，本科还是研究生的文书，因为他们的侧重点是完全不一样的。在侧重品质，学习潜力，专业倾向，学术成就，活动展示甚至情怀和幽默感等方面的度是不一样的。那么接下来我就通过一系列具体的实例（主要是大陆地区申请者）成功申请到美国名校的真实案例来解答这个问题，希望能给题主一些参考。（答主私人微信号:Liweilianlaoshi, 需要转载请联系我稿费事宜，本人长期咨询留学考试辅导和留学申请指导，长期在小社区解答问题）
案例分析一：
2014年 申请到 美国（Harvard Univeristy) 本科的某同学的文书分析。
After several unsuccessful attempts to write the essay which establishes myself as the perfect kid who had won the world all figured out and blows the doors to college open for him, i have come to learn with great disappointment that I may not be the most mature student every college could hope for. I am, after all, only an insignificant 18-year-old who is trying to explore himself and teh world around him.
(这个首段的写法，能够隐约体现出申请者的CRITICAL THINKING的思维， 兼具谦虚，理性，务实等特点，略带自嘲的幽默感，能够让招生官产生好的印象。）
I explore myself by writing. I love to pour my heart out into my journal and come back to reminisce about the pieces of me later. sometimes, i laugh reading my childish toughts, but i am proud of them nevertheless, for these thoughts, however, immature they may be, were still part and parcel of the person i was and my attempts to understand myself better.
(对于文科生来说，突出的也许只能是思维能力，写作和阅读能力）
My life has been the epitome of the perfection of an innately flawed self. And yet being around people who are too perfect makes me bored because i find nothing people-like in them. Perfection, it seems to me, is itsself a form of imperfection.
（flawed beauty 很有CR的思维）
I have learned the hard way not to dwell on my past achievements too much because doing so might be the very thing that keeps a person from getting better. One's real strength, as I perceive, comes from his ability to keep making progress and to keep learning, both inside and outside the classroom.
My regular contempation over life has taught me a lot of valuable lessons, one of which being it is equally important to quit thinking anout life and to just live it.
I have lofty ambitions for my life as dreams are what make men great. But i won't grow sullen or dejected either if my dreams are not realized, for an ordinary life with sunrise, music and the ones I love is already amazing enough.
（这就是高晓松说的“生活不只有成功和眼前的苟且，还有日落，音乐和挚爱）。挺洒脱的，如果中学生真的能做到这点。估计不能。
Sometimes, i am annoyed by people who gush that China is developing at an unprecedented speed because they have ignored the fact that some fundamental elements such as democracy and freedom of speech which are crucial to any nation's development in the long term are absent in China. But i am more annoyed by people who spend all day complaining about this absence and thus fail to see the bright side of China. As far as I am concerned, seeing the dark side of a society does not necessarily mean being cynical. After all, only if a person truely loves this world can he make it a better place.
(再次通过巨大的转折，和批判性思维将作者的思维水平更加准确的表现出来，尤其是这句：”seeing the dark side of a society does not necessarily mean being cynical.“ 是整篇文章的亮点。）最后一句：After all, only if a person truely loves this world can he make it a better place. 是不是有种看了 2016年最新Disney Movie" Zootopia" 《疯狂动物城》里面的台词啊，看来优秀和情怀是想通的。
The funny thing is that the more i learn, the more ignorant i feel. （很谦虚的写法，但的确是符合CR的理念的） the fact that i keep having new recognitions just reminds me that no matter how much knowledge i posses in the future. i will always remain immature and foolish facing all of the things the whole world contains. But to me, that is exactly the exciting part of life. I will always have so much yet to learn and the major discoveries in my life permanetly life ahead. So i guess in the end, i am glad that i have not had the world all figured out yet. In fact, I hope i never will. After all, i can not think of a worse scenario than the one with nothing left to learn.
学习，保持永远的学习，和首段的观点基本一致，是一篇完整ESSAY的要求。最后一句很有力量，采用了双重否定的强调句型。表达了求知若渴的状态，咱哈佛不就是要这种谦虚，有思想，保持旺盛的学习的动力的学生吗？
案例分析二： 2016年申请到美国罗彻斯特大学本科的申请文书package的suppliment essays:
Answer Essay Question: February 2015 saw global, record-breaking low temperatures in the Eastern US and Rochester. Students here who thrive in white winters (and three beautiful other seasons) wonder how can you make Rochester ''ever-cooler''?
ESSAY RESPONSE. Answer Essay Question: February 2015 saw global, record-breaking low temperatures in the Eastern US and Rochester. Students here who thrive in white winters (and three beautiful other seasons) wonder how can you make Rochester ''ever-cooler''? (max 250 words)
这个题目是不是很“狗血”，这个题目是不是很酷， 如何让ROCHESTER 大学看上去更酷？
在2016年申请文出题狗血程度上，也许只有芝加哥大学和MIT的文书能够超越这道题目了。
Living in Rochester campus, students have to enjoy the white landscape and endure the boring atmosphere of snowing and snowing. This is especially “ cool” and even cold. In order to end up this boring situation, I decide to operate and manage a live concert in the snowing days and even I expect to carry out this activity annually.
As I am a layman of music, I am still fully confident in the University of Rochester because of the highly-standing school of Eastman in the University of Rochester. Frankly, I am not sure whether I can lobby the fraternity and other schoolmates in music department to join us. But I will try my best because it is the best time for make our school ever cooler, standing out of the competitors in the USNEWS university rankings.
能够写出这个答案的同学，需要对于美国的大学的学院设置比较熟悉，ROCHESTER 有美国三大顶级音乐学院之一的伊士曼音乐学院，所以可以巧妙将2者联系在一起。
So, to prepare a concert in Rochester University successfully, I think we should have a huge repertoire of songs of various composers，a cluster of “singing birds” and be strong in orchestra music as well as a pile of music instruments as there are the edifice of a proper live concert . All these preparations can be available in Rochester while unavailable in other academies. You may not find a institute both with such a wonderful music academy, institutes, and snowing landscape.
Financial Sponsorship is also important as it will be the engine to carry out the live super” snowing concert” annually. I need to take more time to think carefully about a shortlist of companies that have a demonstrated interest in this concert. By qualifying leads in advance, I expect to have better results in advance and spend my time on the highest possible necessary attempts (i.e. the warmest welcoming speech).
本文的写作需要一定的想象力，更需要对于美国大学比较熟悉的背景知识，另外也能体现申请商学院的申请者的“潜在商业思维” 和运作“类似商业活动的组织，创造和实施的能力”， 相对于欠缺想象力的其他申请者来说，本文能让申请者的思维水平 prop up 在招生官的眼前。
案例分析三： 内蒙古大学 市场营销系学生申请到USC 南加州大学（财务）专业硕士的文书分析。
Personal Statement
Interestingly, when comparing with my classmates both in childhood and university , I find myself quite rare as Chinese companions are hardly both featured with the strong sensitivity in analyzing statistics and adept skills in expressing abilities. However, my comprehensive abilities both in calculation and language skills are by nature and nurture. Ever since I was a little child, I had a good sense in numbers and mathematics. This interest and innate capacity can be illustrated clearly. For example, in my senior high school I was attracted by the Mathematical Olympiad and then participated in which I got one of the total 40 entrance tickets through a competitive selection test over the whole city. Right now, I have learned more complicated mathematic knowledge and many scientific methods to do statistical analysis, data management and diagram analysis. I also realized that statistics is so important and the ability to make use of them is of great importance to research and study in any field. This is a work that needs great carefulness and a good sense in statistics and they are just where my strengths lie.
Unfortunately, I once a time had a misconception that accounting subject alone fails to help me constitute a complete cognition of the world, although I understand the overt advantages for majoring the accounting for myself. I thought that accounting work is only a simple record of data, without any creativity and inspiration and only by being patient can solve everything in accounting jobs. So, I chose marketing as my major instead and continued to study in XX University which witnessed my fully-fledged development. During my undergraduate years, I fully developed my social abilities and realized my inner potentials there. My major, marketing, opened a brand new window for me to an unfamiliar world full of wonders, and enabled me to communicate better with the business world. I was hard-working in this major. I honorably won the financial inspirational scholarship of National Development Bank in the 15th December, 2013 and won the honor certificate of national scholarship in December the 20th, 2014 with an overall GPA 3.7 score.
Motivated by my language talent and strong sense in marketing, I soon became better at sales and marketing than most of my classmates, organizing many campus contests, parties and had won many prizes. Apart from academic performance, I have also been very active in extracurricular activities. I was the vice president of Junior Achievement Club in my school and organized many campus activities such as welcoming party, graduation ceremony and job mock interviews. In order to make clear about what students’ popular concerns are and what they really want to learn from this activity, I designed an internet-based survey on the school network. After collecting more than a hundred feedbacks, I summed up all the results, classified similar answers, concluded the top 3 concerns and reported to the Club president. Based on the result of the survey, our preparation went smoothly and efficiently, and finally the activity was very successful. From then on, I became very interested in doing research and analysis before carrying out a strategy, and found it valuable and very meaningful to adjust strategies in management communication or adopt suitable measures to meet the taste of “customers”.
Luckily, my mom, who is a highly skillful accountant, corrected my misconception on the core value of accounting and raised high requirements for excellent accountants. She said that the group of top level accountants always mastered a certain degree of logical analysis, flexible strategies and high vision on certain professionals. A wonderful CFO can manage well the operation of both large corporation and small company by doing financial analysis on their financial statements. Encouraged by my mom, I successfully passed the Chinese certificate of accounting qualification.
Now, I started my intern in an accounting firm where I had the chance to have a professional training, including the study of the basic principles of accounting, auditing and tax, provided by this company for all the non-accounting background staffs. These training courses, plus with a series of business courses in university, allowed me to understand clearly what and how a professional auditor should know and behave. Accounting professional needs a strong background of professional knowledge and rich experience in practice. Besides, this company sometimes invites professors from famous universities to offer CPA lessons for us. During this half-year-over practical working in accounting firm, I have participated in a given field of practical accounting works, including year-end audit, asset reconstruction audit and internal control audit for many large corporations in a number of industries. Through these working experiences, I have become more familiar with the accounting principles and been skilled in my accounting techniques. Now ,I am very experienced in using the computer software and tools to analyze and calculate the figures , such as Excel、E-audit，Jiu-Qi Report software，SAP corporation management software.
Therefore, I believe now is the best time for me to apply for the accounting program, since it can equip me with more in-depth training in financial analysis and general accounting, which will help me achieve both my intermediate and long-term goals. My intermediate goal is to receive a complete and systematic education of accounting as my graduate study, and work in an international company doing financial analysis upon graduation to gain more working experience and become more professional. Likewise, my long-term career goal is to become a professional financial analyst who provides objective financial analysis and offers effective advices on the company’s operation and development from the perspectives of statistical figures and financial report. After that, I will keep working hard to reach my long-term and final career goal – to become a professional financial analyst. I believe in the immediate future those who are equipped with a solid international accounting and financial background will be hailed greatly no matter in china mainland or in other regions.
It seems to be casualness in my past experiences, but it was logical to line up all the separate strengths together. While marketing professional training requires a creative and innovative thinking to explore new things out of the” BOX”, a qualified accountant is calm and rigorous, being able to deal with works in strictly logic manner. But in the face of how to maximize the profit of the corporation business, logic cannot be separated from creative thinking. In order to scale new heights academically and to lay a solid foundation for my future career development, I would like to apply for a Master’s program in accounting program at highly-standing Marshall School of Business at USC as the top accounting program in the United States for its renowned faculty. I now have a burning desire to start a new journey there to become more competitive in the accounting field, expecting to be initiated into a first-rate academic environment in which my academic foundation will be surely consolidated and my business potential will be strengthened. I believe I am a competent applicant based on my professional intern experience and clear career goals, and I sincerely ask for your favorable consideration for admission.
In order to scale new heights academically and to lay a solid foundation for my future career development, I would like to apply for a Master’s program in accounting program at highly-standing Marshall School of Business at USC as the top accounting program in the United States for its renowned faculty. I now have a burning desire to start a new journey there to become more competitive in the accounting field, expecting to be initiated into a first-rate academic environment in which my academic foundation will be surely consolidated and my business potential will be strengthened. I believe I am a competent applicant based on my professional working experience and clear career goals, and I sincerely ask for your favorable consideration for admission.
案例分析四： 吉林大学 EE 专业同学申请到 纽约大学NYU-POLY 的ECE专业研究生的文书分析：
Personal Statment
The irrefutable perseverance in pursuing the “absoluteaccuracy” is my honor and one of my self-disciplines. I always hold criticalthinking or doubts on those printed papers and then sent them to writersdespite that these behaviors are not fully supported by Chinese fellowships. Take some published books as examples, in thesecond edition of 《EDA Technology and Application》，which is the authoritativebook in the departments of computer science and information technology. I surprisinglyfound that the program in the question” 4-bit parity check circuit withthe preset verified reduced value” violated the regulations of VHDL language as it is forbidden for any forms of WAITsentences in the listed process of sensitive parameter. To name but a few,there are even at least 5 mistakes or errors in our teachings books I havefound both in terms of publication and in the deducing process. The rigidityand perseverance in my personality guide me to work on the natural sciencewithout any hesitation.
My recent research program on optimal recognition ofwarehouse goods began with a journey back to my hometown this new-year holidayin winter. I went by a small dock yard where I used to play with pats in mychildhood. I found that stevedores there were loading and transferring thegoods delivered by trucks and they worked very hard especially during the coldweather when their skins in the face and hands were mostly frosted with backsbeing humped under heavy pressure. Their jobs mainly consist of twoparts---unloading the goods in different weight, size and fillers from trucksand then relocating them in different warehouses waiting to be transported again.These jobs were quite laborious and energy-wasteful especially when they needto re-recognize and re-classify the goods in different containers after havingbeen loaded for several days, because the labels and tags there were easily tobe missing and got messed up. I showed my great sympathy on them and this alsoignites my potential curiosity and passion to make use of my ECE knowledge tohelp improve their working efficiency and avoid being frosted more.
After the new year ’s holiday, I waseagerly to find the proper solutions to help them while coincidently got toknow that Professor Xia, in South-east university which is an fairly famousuniversity in the fields of electronic engineering and other science subjects,was leading a project on optimal recognition of warehouse goods for severalmonths. I lobbied the professor to allow me to take part in the project. Unlikethe manual recognition, this trial aims to automatically identify the detailed information of intended goodsand then make accurate analysis. Prior to the scanning, theoperation system was equipped in the fixed place in the manufacturing line.Once the trial took action, the released optical messages were deliveredand cameras then would collect these data which were then transmitted toindustrial computers. After the automatic recognition system works onthese scaled pictures and bar codes, this system can make the correspondinglyimmediate response. Interior factors like numbers, size and genres of fillers intheir pre-set experimental variables were rather limited. However, by thein-field investigation, I gradually become aware that such exterior factorsincluding the intensity of light, evenness of surface, the pace of camerashutter as well as the intensity of vibration in the process of transportationwere also contributing factors. I raised my suggestion to Pro. Xia and was thenaccepted. our team readjusted those preset algorithm designs interms of using rigid ropes to replace hemp ropes, setting five levels of lightintensity from the tiny, less-intense, medium, bright and glare and two levelsof camera pace. These adjustable variables and parameters further strengthenedthe justification and values for real-life application, which were then hailedby the would-be customers who bought this system in the future. Now, our teammembers are still struggling for the most effective solution to eliminate thetiny error in different transporting environment. After two-semester efforts,we finally published a paper with the chained address in attached documents andmany transportation stops and companies will apply our design into real use togreatly improve the working efficiency and to make profits as well . But to me,those laborious loaders will escape from the repetitive jobs of re-recognitionand under extreme weather conditions, they will be seldom injured by beingfrostbite, scorching or stuffy. I firmly believe that engineers shouldcontribute to society in their ways which are differed from artists andwriters.
Having determined to be one offirst-rate ECE engineers, I am striving for every possible effortboth in academic studies and professional research. I am going to apply forNYU-Poly. It provides a platform to furnish their students with advanced theoryand valid practice. It is exact the university that I am destined to apply.What’s more, NYU-Poly is a university assembling world-class professors andelite in the ECE field, with an accomplished faculty and modern researchresources. These should help set a good stage for me to exercise my keen mentalpower and diligence. If I were accepted, I would be confident that I could makequick progress in the ECE field. I believe the progress we are making in theseareas will help shape the future of mankind. I would like to be at theforefront of such progress.
（答主私人微信号:Liweilianlaoshi, 需要转载请联系我稿费事宜，本人长期咨询留学考试辅导和留学申请指导，长期在小社区解答问题） |
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